$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
