Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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