tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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