There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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