I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So squirting runs in the family.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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