I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your penis caused this!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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