be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
