You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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