I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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