I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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