im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize