So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize