So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize