the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
