Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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