tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
