do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
