I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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