I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
