Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You took a bar mat shot.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
