my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
