Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The uberlube is also flammable
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
