We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
