You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
