Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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