Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
