Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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