Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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