the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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