There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
