He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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