are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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