Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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