New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
