Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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