They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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