you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
