I'm laying in your front yard are you home
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize