Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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