i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
