When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize