They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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