No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
