you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
