I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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