Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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