i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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