Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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