Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize