Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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