Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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