My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
