I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
