Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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