My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
