K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
